The Dark Night of the Soul

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It’s been a long time since our last post. Unfortunately, I (Kris) have been very ill, but that wasn’t the main reason for not posting until now. During a recent low point in my health, I also went into spiritual crisis, and my old adversaries ‘doubt’ and ‘resistance’ took up lodgings in my head and my heart, bringing with them a new friend – ‘hopelessness’.

I had never experienced such a dark and lonely void and I wasn’t sure I was ever going to return from it; or if I did, how much of my spiritual self would remain intact. Since beginning our explorations with the Ouija board and Channelling, I have always felt a connection with my guides – even whilst I was doubting my ability to connect, I never doubted their existence, and so always felt they were with me and on my side – even if they couldn’t ever intervene on my behalf and take all my pain and fear away. During this bleak period, I lost all trust, hope and belief in them and life. I turned away from my connection with them and sent myself into a mire of ‘what’s the point of anything?’ There’s more to it than that, but that’s what it amounted to.

During this time of shut off and shut down, I would experience subtle inclinations towards hope and love. When I mentioned these fleeting experiences to my partner, Paddy, I would be filled with unexpected emotion. I’ve come to realise that this is an indication that my guides are with me and so I couldn’t deny that they were holding me and caring for me. As I began to allow these experiences to find their way into my heart, I began to notice synchronicities that encouraged me to keep moving forward towards the light of ‘all is well’.

Desperate to return to the familiar and comforting world of spirituality, I’d challenged my guides to provide me with something so unequivocal that there would be no way I could question its origin, and thus be able use it as a lever to prise myself out of my new way of thinking that we are all just powerless pawns in a big cosmic game. I asked for a feather, to arrive in such a fashion that I couldn’t doubt its meaning – I felt that should be easy for them to arrange. A couple of days later, as I sat on the first floor of a café looking out of the window towards the building opposite, I saw a feather gently floating down towards the ground. I doubted that this was the feather I’d asked for, and confirmed my doubt when I saw a pigeon on a ledge above (but way to the left) of where I’d seen the feather.

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A few days later, Paddy brought in a bucket full of wood he’d just chopped in the small coal bunker attached to the house. He always manages to come in with bits of cobweb stuck to his fleece, but this time I noticed something was hanging from the usual bit of web – a feather. There’s a small door space into the bunker, but it’s so cold, dark and damp, I couldn’t imagine how a bird or a feather could find its way in there. I reluctantly accepted this as my ‘sign’, especially as Paddy was so insistent that it couldn’t be anything else and that I would just be being stubborn if I ignored it!

Since then I have been able to allow more and more ‘evidence’ (synchronicities, coincidence, positive thoughts dropping unexpectedly into my head, the feeling of being loved suddenly filling my heart), evidence that I am not alone, that I am safe, I am loved, I am always connected, that all is well.

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Slowly I am making my way back into the world of metaphysics and spirituality – all made possible with the love of Paddy, my dear friends and my amazing guides. I suppose it’s not uncommon for people on this path to go through phases of spiritual crisis and depression as we try to make sense of just how incredible the universe is, how little we know or understand about how it all works and where we fit in. Instead of trying to figure it out as a physical being, I’m now going to allow my non-physical self and friends to guide me through, and to, what matters to me: living each day as it comes, gratitude for all that I have, celebrating the connections I have both in physical and non-physical, and trusting that not only is all well, all is always well.